Some weeks are better than others even when you are not raising triplets. I have also learned that just because I am a mother now does not mean I still don’t care about things that I used to or things that were important before the girls came along. The interesting part is now figuring out a way to keep those things alive while raising three baby girls. This week, I just felt pulled. I felt emotionally drained and felt like the days would never end. I did get out and get my nails done, so that was nice. We also went to a wedding and to see relatives over the weekend, so I felt more human being out with the world. Some days I am a better version of myself and some days I would rather not say who I am…People around you know those days too well!
At times, I start feeling like an introvert, a hermit, more comfortable just staying home. That is what concerns me at times. Before the girls, I was a “runner around-er.” With work (the corporate kind that is) and just doing the things I liked to do I was busy all the time. I did not start feeling slowed down until I was put on bed rest with the girls in January. Almost seven weeks of being trapped indoors in the snow was really hard. I can honestly say I was depressed. Superficial things, but important things to me, started to bother me like completing the girls nursery. Which to this day, is still not finished the way I dreamed. I know you may be saying, “That is not really important..you have three beautiful healthy girls..” And yes, you are right.
I spent six more weeks visiting them every day at the hospital, putting life on hold with the unnatural feeling of not really being a mother because your babies are not home. But, I was suppose to feel grateful and uplifted that they are alive, well and will be home soon. I said to Bryan the other day when we were on the Turnpike, “Doesn’t it feel like forever ago that we drove up here to the hospital every day?” He agreed. We also agreed how hard that day was to leave them behind. How strong we were to let them grow and get better and go home alone.
We finally brought them home and it was bliss, but so incredibly challenging. Relief that they are in are home turned to anxiety and panic about how to manage it all…everyday. Those anxieties subside but just get replaced with new worries. I think that is the nature of parenting…period. We had their pictures made just two weeks after they came home. Drove all the way to Norman with my mother and mother in law. We had been up all night the night before…It was a mess. But, we made it there. Then superficially again, I think about how I felt taken advantage of. The pictures were cute but less to be desired. I was so exhausted to say or do anything. Was not on my aggressive “A” game. If anyone knows about kids pics, they are so expensive and you will pay it because they are your first ever photos. Again, I was pulled emotionally and worried about things that should not matter.
I think this week was hard because I was worried about how I would look for this wedding I was going to…All post-pregnancy women have concerned. You just don’t feel like yourself. I was just overwhelmed emotionally and physically with the girls, I was praying for other people in my life I was concerned about…When I was able to get out of the house and people would comment, “Didn’t it feel good to get out,”I didn’t really know how to think. Its like I was parolled or something, released back into the wild for the first time.
What I am learning on this new journey is that struggle is inevitable. It is what makes us strong. It is what makes our character. It is what defines us. For the past year, I have attempted grace and tried to move forward with integrity to be a good example to others. But, I must be honest. The struggle is hard, the rewards are many and overall it does get richer everyday. Somedays you just fall hard and the next day you get right back up. You try to stand taller and walk closer to God. Somedays you feel closer to the Devil pulling at your heart trying to make you see all the bad instead of all the good. Only normal in my opinion. The key is to not linger in that place for too long. You are no good to anyone not even yourself in that place too long.
I thought a lot this week about lessons I want to teach the girls. And the main one this past week is this…Struggle is inevitable, but don’t linger too long and don’t stray too far from God. Finding grace is a beautiful thing. It is more beautiful than the room you never finished, the shopping you didn’t get to do, the night out with the girls you didn’t have, the nicer clothes you didn’t put on to be out in public (ladies you all have that supposed “athletic, grocery store look”-ball cap, gym shorts, tennis shoes, praying no one you know sees you). In grace you cherish patience and in patience you learn so much about the meaning of life. So, for the crummy week I had emotionally I say, “Thank You.” I feel better for it already.
Side note: The girls are doing awesome! Rolling and laughing and they love to put toys, your nose, each other’s hands and feet and anything they can grab in their mouths. Still practicing with rice cereal but they are not too keen on the spoon. Still sleeping through the night for most nights which is so great. We are off the really expensive formula for two of the girls…YIPPEEEEE. Celebrate small victories!